I know I know I know I know I know nothing at all baby

Valium.. Valium.. Valium..

Even the word makes me feel like I have something very wrong with me for taking it.

It's been a month now since I was 'put on' this wonder drug, and yes, it's a wonder drug. It does things to the mind and body that could only be explained as beautifully fucked up.

Never before have I felt so safe while standing still alone in a field, never have I felt so upright when sat down, never before have I felt more loving, more appreciative of my own creations, others creations, creation in general.

Oh but boy am I hooked, and it scares me. It stops me from having these marvelous ideas of space and time, the universe and verse.

Valium is in the category of drugs that slow normal brain function. This is exactly what I think I needed. What a prayed for almost. That the racing thoughts, the overload of conciousness, the silence of juggernauts through steel would come to rest in the ground.

The beauty of the dark, is the beauty of no light.

AND SHE KNOWS

Mull this over, put it in your coffee, never so bitter this story of love and hate
A picture of eloquence, always the dainty girl, she always came to the line too late

The lover her heart possessed, tricked and tortured
Her vicious lure and over imaginative memory decide to take one last vow
That's all her heart can take, all it can see, even just for now.

Fullstops and blue lines

Your last arm has stretched to it's entirety
When looking close, the blue veins show
The pale white paper skin crinkles in force
Folded and unfolded into neat compressed feeling

Let me unfold you, let me hold your feather light grace
My breathing is harsh, but yours I cannot trace
If I had another way, I'd burn my best cards
What good what it do to shatter my winning game

This love of centimeters and inches cannot sustain
Briefly the sky doesn't seem so high, and you don't so far
I train my eye to follow your perfectly placed lines
To this my lungs have taken their last, eyes have seen their first

You are all in my imagination, but the realist thing I know.

5.40pm and i'm only getting older

It is absolutely impossible to transcend the laws of nature. What can change in historically different circumstances is only the form in which these laws expose themselves.

- Karl Marx

On one of my rantings, not such a rarity as of late, I came across a topic that interests me more than I can handle at times. It's seemingly vulgar and depressing, but a very very valid topic still.

Human nature. I have come to believe that as humans, we were all created, born into failure as a race. The human race is so complex, so utterly fascinating, yet simple to the ones who embrace it for what it is.

'Born into failure', what an odd thing to say? Well we were born with this fragile set of emotions, mostly seen as weakness in society. The most human of us die off before we reach a numbing age. As you see, the more animal we are, the greater we can achieve.

The human mind is too fragile to quite take in what we have created.

Humans are the ultimate predators. Even with simple technology, such as Spears or bows, we can overcome some of the toughest creatures on the planet. We were born with something different though, which makes us not weak, but born into suicide.

Following our human nature, will lead us to disaster. We are nothing but animals with a deadly insight.

It's sad to say, but we've evolved too far.

Valentines eve..

I treat Valentines day eve, as a polar opposite to Christmas eve.

No no.. Santa isn't coming to drop off nice presents. But everyone without a partner will feel utterly suicidal. Well, I guess when you're 5 and find out that Santa doesn't really.. properly.. REALLY.. exist.. in a round about way, you may feel similar to Val's eve.

Fuck it.

Don't bother whispering, I don't have a hangover.

No comment right now

Plane Crashes

I'll begin with this line; I've always been ridiculously paranoid about plane crashes.

Whenever I see a plane or a jet I always think they are going to crash. I'm positive that those flashing lights mean something, or they are flying too close to the ground, or that maybe that 45 degree angle they fly at is slowly decreasing and they are plummeting.

After recently flying alone a lot, turbulence scares the shit out of me. Every time that seatbelt sign comes on I automatically think, that's it, I'm a goner, how the hell am I supposed to survive this crash.

I'm not overly sure whether this paranoia about planes is completely natural, but even the scene in 'Donnie Darko' where the jet engine smashes into the house really gives me the creeps.

I always stay 100% awake on plane journeys, even the most recent 8 hour America flight. I ended up watching so much television I felt I was inside the screen. I also don't drink a lot of alcohol on flights, I like to stay alert, for completely the wrong reasons. If plummeting to the ground/sea being intoxicated may soften the blow and the oxygen mask that pops down would be funny, rather than menacingly scary!
No, I don't drink because up 36,000 feet it's like having triples, and everyone knows, a thimble of Babycham and I'm anybodys.



Yes, I did take this photo. Just before departing to Maine for the first time. I like to sit directly above the wing, if an engine dropped, HELL i'd know about it!

Oh but you can't do this in public

I now find myself in a public library, near to where my mum lives. Making some rather bad decisions, one for instance - listening to Chris Garneau (A real heart breaker that one) and the Amelie soundtrack. A beautiful mix of accordions, piano, violins. It takes me to a completely different place, and I find myself not only weeping from sheer love of the music in this desolate public library, but leaning back in my chair trying to find my balance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiJVSMFLZ6g&feature=PlayList&p=CAD013D213650AC4&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3

A rather important piece of music to me. Music for the mind I call it, some music is mostly based on the body and jumping neurotic beats that fill your being with something close to ecstacy. But this, is something that entrances your mind.

Five minutes until the official log off for this community computer.

Farewell.

After deciding to take a jog at six this morning in the snow I come back feeling utterly drained and felt the whole experience was pointless.
Shall I just become a couch potato to stay warm and cozy? Aren't womb like feelings good? I say yes.

Not only have I been making odd decisions lately, I've also been drawing and painting little pieces of cheese, not in the dairy kind but in the cupcake sweet sugary yuck-yuck kind.



On another note, did Chris Tarrant - Who wants to be a millionaire really just ask the question 'Where is a Liverpudlian from?' for 5 grand?

Bad baby bad

Marriage is a commitment, it shouldn't be an excuse to make hasty bad decisions.
Eating a gone off sandwich is also a commitment and a bad decision.
My mind has leveled on a plateau!

Strictly speaking..

This blog is meant to be purely for those mid morning, not being able to sleep times, but I feel now is as good time as any other.

After recently being put on Lorazepam, some kind of sleeping pill, i'm finding it very difficult to even get up and be restless.

This is my picture of the day. Where exactly.. is that salad going?